Go on, give us a smile!

Ever been told to cheer up or to smile by a random stranger? If you have, chances are you know how horrible this is. If you haven’t, you may not know that it even happens. It does. It happens a lot. And it’s horrible.

There are other variants too. I and people I know have also been told not to look so worried, miserable or scared. These things have been said by acquaintances, people we have just been introduced to, and by strangers passing by in the street. I have even had a man serving me at a supermarket checkout attempt to not hand me my shopping until I “gave him a smile”. As a grown woman. I wanted to make a formal complaint, but didn't in case the complaint was dealt with by the sort of person who says this kind of thing, and would therefore meet with the response that I was being a miserable cow and should lighten up. (Although probably not phrased like that unless their customer complaints department is really bad).

It seems pretty obvious to me that telling a random stranger to rearrange their face to suit you is really rude. I would not stop a guy on the street and tell him to get plastic surgery because he’s no oil painting, and this is the same thing; it’s telling someone that their face isn't currently good enough, and it should look more like you want it to look. This is obviously going to make the person feel pretty inadequate. Being told you are insulting people by having a face that looks that bad can really ruin your day. And you think it must be really bad for a total stranger to have gone out of their way to point it out. I'm so sorry. Should I wear a paper bag so you don’t have to look at this?

It’s particularly deflating when you are actually in a really good mood. Not everyone who is in a good mood wears a big smile all the time. Especially not while walking down a street or sitting in a park or a café or whatever on their own. In fact, grinning in these situations is liable to really freak people out. Ever done it by accident because you remember something really funny? You get stares. It’s not normal (although of course there’s nothing wrong with doing it – just weird to make it compulsory). If you can summon a particularly freaky-looking grin, that can be a good response to these requests for cheer. It’s hard to do on the spot though, and you can never be sure what reaction you will get.

Being told to cheer up when you’re already feeling good is like being told your happy isn't good enough. It’s worthless happy. Your joy is inadequate. Your good day is insufficient. For a stranger, of whose business it is none.

And don’t even get me started on how it feels to hear this when you really are upset or depressed. I strongly suspect that there are people who have been pushed to extreme acts by just this kind of thoughtless on-street bullying disguised as cheeriness. In fact, next time this happens to you, try telling the person that a friend or relative just died. (If you aren't comfortable with that, a dog or cat would do). This should make them feel really bad. It should. It might stop them putting anyone else through this. If it doesn't make them feel really bad, they’re a psychopath.

If it’s so obviously bad, why do people do it? I've heard “women look so much more attractive when they smile” before. Presumably the thought there is that women’s primary purpose is to look attractive for men, and we will be grateful to be informed that we aren't up to scratch so we can put it right at once. Nice.

But men get this kind of crap too. Not as often perhaps, but definitely sometimes, so that can’t be the whole story. The main other defence of it I've heard is that people are happier when they smile. That’s right; it’s for your own good! Someone is being rude to you in order to brighten your day! Of course! Makes sense now….No; actually, still confused.

I really don’t understand why people go around saying this to others. Believing that you have the right to control the facial expressions of others is egotism to the point of madness. If you really want someone to smile, don’t instruct them to do it. Be nice to them. Make the world better. But remember that sometimes the best way to make someone happy, particularly a random stranger on the street, is just to leave them alone to get on with their lives!

You’re a creep. And you’re a weirdo.

What’s the difference between a creep, and a friendly guy with poor social skills?

This is a question that women face on a regular basis. For every misguided approach, you have to decide whether the appropriate response is kindness and pity, or to protect yourself at all costs. And then afterwards, you either have to wonder about whether you did the right thing, or deal with the fall-out when it’s obvious that you didn't.

One side of this argument says that most men are decent but many of them are inept. Some of them have more serious problems: autism, learning difficulties, or other issues that might make the usual social rules very difficult for them to understand or act on. The best approach is to be friendly, assume the best of people, and not be too paranoid that people’s intentions are bad.

The other side of the argument says that you should never take the risk. Most men will interpret any friendliness (hell, even basic politeness) as an indication that you want to sleep with them, and they will act accordingly. Acting accordingly could be anything from groping, to stalking, to full-on assault. Forget being polite. Forget worrying about his feelings. Just get him away from you.

Most people would probably say that a position somewhere between these two is the appropriate one. I wouldn't. I think that the latter position is the only one we can take. It’s horrible, and society needs to change so that it is no longer the appropriate response, but as things stand, it is a reasonable way to think.

Firstly, isn't this really paranoid? Well yes maybe. The vast majority of these types of encounters will mercifully lead to nothing more than an awkward conversation. That in itself shouldn't be underestimated. It might well leave you feeling horrible for a few days, and questioning what you did wrong in the longer term. But admittedly it’s not that bad. But it is also undeniable that occasionally something much worse happens. And if something worse does happen to you or one of your friends, then what? Then you are to blame. You are to blame for encouraging the helpless man, and you are to blame for not listening to your instincts in the first place and getting away. Or so says our victim-blaming society. And therefore so says everyone you know, and so says the voice in your head. So really, if you are wondering whether someone is a creep, I think it’s better to get yourself and your friends out of the situation by whatever means you can. Don’t wait to see which of you he follows home, and exactly what he does when he gets there, so that you can make an informed decision about how he really deserves to be dealt with. Just don’t take the risk.

What about the men? If a man really is unable to follow social rules in this respect, for whatever reason, he is going to face some pretty cruel treatment from women on a regular basis, and that will have a serious impact on his life. If he doesn't mean it, isn't it really unfair? I think this is a disservice to men. It’s a disservice to men who genuinely do have problems understanding social rules, but nonetheless work really hard to act in accordance with them. It’s also a disservice to the image of men within society, as puppets controlled entirely by their sexual urges and unable to engage in any social interactions not mediated by that. Nonetheless, with the best will in the world, nice guys trying hard will come across as creeps sometimes, and I am recommending hurting them. I don’t do so lightly, but I don’t think there’s much choice as things stand. You are risking worse than hurt feelings if you don’t.

Is there a way of making things better so that all this mess doesn't have to happen at all? Unsurprisingly, the solution is straightforward, but the execution of it is incredibly complex. We need widespread social change such that our public spaces are not seen by both genders as meat markets in which men hunt women. Change such that the social rules are not so complicated and contradictory, with one side telling you that you should respect women and treat them as people, and the other saying it’s expected of you to prey on them and see them as fair game who it’s a bit of a laugh to abuse. You should be a feminist. You should be a player. No wonder a lot of guys struggle to sort out how they should behave.

There will always be social interactions that don’t run smoothly. Many of these will result in bruised feelings. Some may result in unintended intimidation. But currently these things are institutionalised as standard incidents, like the ones you learned about in foreign language classes at school. The creepy chat-up is like asking the way to the train station, or booking a hotel room. It’s something you expect to deal with as standard. That’s what needs to change. Until then, protect yourselves, protect your friends, and don’t be ashamed of that. It’s not cowardice, it’s not cruelty, it’s not paranoia. It’s just the only sensible reaction to a bad situation in a world where change is long overdue.