If you had been through what I've been through...

This is a post about privilege, suffering, and inverse snobbery.

Our society despises privilege (although we are all privileged to some extent), praises those who have suffered (although any sane person would avoid suffering at all costs), and because of these two things engages in inverse snobbery.

The term “inverse snobbery” is normally applied to those who criticise those of a higher social class or income bracket just for their membership of that class. No-one likes posh people after all. Unfair as I think this is, I'm thinking of a different kind of inverse snobbery here: the attitude of those who have suffered hardship (or who think they have) toward those who (they think) have led an easier life. And this is just as unfair, and even crazier than the more usual kind of inverse snobbery.

There’s a sensible origin to some of this madness. People who have suffered something (racism, sexism, starvation, violence, homelessness, anything really) may rightly believe that they have a perspective on that suffering that those who haven’t undergone it don’t have. Don’t tell someone who has suffered one of these things what it is like, or how they should feel about it, if you haven’t suffered it yourself. That is fair enough. But the sentiment needn't extend as far as having no right to an opinion about that kind of suffering, or to not being entitled to act to stop it.

For example, I have never been punched in the face. But I think that being punched in the face is bad, and I think I'm entitled to have and express that opinion. I also think I am entitled to step in and stop someone else getting punched in the face without being told that it’s none of my business because I just don’t understand what it’s like. Worse, I don’t expect to be treated like there’s something essential missing from my character until I have suffered this widespread ill.

Think this sort of thing doesn't happen? It does; keep a look out and you’ll find it. The most extreme example I have seen is someone defending their use of an abusive comment of a sexual nature. I won’t quote it. It was nasty. Someone else rightly criticised this, only to be told that they could stay out of it until they had been sexually abused themselves, like the speaker of the offensive comment. Not only is that ridiculous, it’s dangerous. It basically says “I am allowed to be abusive because I have been abused, and you haven’t the right to stop me because you haven’t been”. Now obviously not everyone who has suffered in any way goes on to inflict suffering on others, but there is some danger in letting only those people have a say in how suffering is dished out in the future.

Where does this crazy attitude come from? It seems like those who have suffered take a pride in it, and want to look down on those who haven’t. Perhaps, as with the class or money-driven inverse snobbery, envy has something to do with it. But there seems to be more to it. It’s like we have this social idea that the strongest swords are forged in fire. If you have been though something terrible, you really will be a better person in all sorts of ways than someone who has had a relatively easy life. I don’t buy it. You might be more capable in some ways because of it, and less capable in others, but people vary hugely in these respects anyway. Everything that happens to a person, good and bad, shapes their character. Emphasizing the positive transformative effects of suffering ignores both the negative transformative effects of suffering, and the transformative effects (positive and negative) of good experiences.

By requiring others to have suffered in order to have an opinion or a right to intervene in an issue where that suffering is concerned, you are basically wishing suffering on others. Nice of you. The danger in this being so pervasive is that those who feel their lives have been really easy in all respects become almost envious of those who have some tale of suffering to tell. They start to feel that they are worthless because they haven’t been through at least some kind of hell. And anything that can make people feel something that insane is obviously something that has gone far too far.

So stop it.

Someone who has lived a relatively easy life still has every right to their opinions about suffering, as long as they are not trying to dictate how you should feel about it. They are also not in any way less of a person. Your suffering may have made you stronger, without them being weak for the lack of it. That’s totally consistent. So start wishing for less suffering in the world, not more.