Pretty hot, or just pretty?

In the last few months I have heard many things described as “just not sexy”, or “not sexy enough”, or words to that effect. These things include clothing, body shape, body hair, how someone smiles, particular styles of dance, how a particular person dances, and, perhaps most bizarrely of all, university subject choices. In none of these cases is sexiness the only relevant measure, and in some cases it isn't relevant at all. I'm bored of sexiness.

Not bored of sex, I should point out. Just bored of everything being measured in terms of how sexy it is, as though that’s all anything exists for. Often, “sexy” or “hot” are just used as general terms of praise. I think that’s what was happening with the university subject choices example. The fact that these things are now our favourite way of saying we like something is an annoying symptom, but it isn't the main problem. The main problem comes when we actually want to rate something’s (or someone’s) attractiveness.

I'm not talking about attractiveness as a dating prospect, or anything like that, just the kind of aesthetic judgements you’d make of a painting, or a view from a window. Our only way of liking the look of something now seems to be wanting to shag it. In many cases that raises practical difficulties, but it’s also pretty damn disturbing.

We all know that things can be pretty, or beautiful, or cute, or whatever else, without being sexy, or we wouldn't apply these adjectives to children and animals. So why, as soon as it’s something that it’s not actually illegal and messed up to fancy, do we revert straight back to using “sexy” and “hot” as our only ways of saying that something looks nice? And even when sexiness isn't the only thing, why is it still the main thing? I've heard “beautiful, but not sexy” used as a criticism (of a dancer in this case). Why is everything else subordinate to sexiness?

The problem with this, and probably part of the cause of it, is the immense pressure to be sexy all the time. There are loads of other things people might want to convey through their clothes, their movements, their choices, their expressions. Loads of things other than sexiness. If we lose all of that, the world becomes very boring. And sexiness becomes very boring too, because it’s everywhere all of the time, and constantly striving for it yourself and assessing it in others makes it a chore. And that’s a huge loss because of course, in the right circumstances, sexiness is really important for most people.

Currently, women are suffering the most from this constant pressure to be sexy. Consider professional dress, for example. The smartest suit you can imagine for a woman is probably at least a bit sexy. It probably goes with make-up, and maybe even heels. Something plainer will be taken less seriously in most professions. Consider fitness, for another example. You don’t get fit for the sake of your health, but for how sexy you’ll look in your sexy new outfit at some sexy event. This all entrenches objectification of women even further into a culture where it’s already pretty deeply embedded. The message is that women exist only to provide sexiness. Fail at that, and you are neither use nor ornament.

But men are catching up. The fitness example I just gave for women certainly applies to a large extent to men too, and the professional attire example might as well in a lot of jobs. This is not good equality. Men used to have a chance to be judged on attributes other than their sexiness, but no more! Why get an education (unless it makes women fancy you)? Why get a good job (unless the salary will attract hot women)? It’s fine to prioritise finding a relationship in your life, but good relationships aren't exclusively made and maintained by sexiness, as anyone over the age of about twenty is surely aware.

The solution of course is not to stop talking about sex, or attraction. Just don’t be afraid to expand your vocabulary a bit. Compliments will often ring truer, and judgements be more honest, if they respect what a person, or style, or performance, is setting out to convey. That might be sexiness, but even if it is, it probably isn't just sexiness in most cases. Life is richer than that, and it’s time our talk reflected that fact, or that richness will be lost.