Just walk on by

What should you do when you see someone you find attractive in the street or on a train?

a) Compliment them and try to strike up conversation

b) Shout sexually explicit obscenities

c) Just walk on by.

It’s c), folks. The answer is always c).

But what about a) you ask? Why is a) not ok? Because it’s creepy. If you are talking to them because you find them attractive, they will obviously know that, and that will come across as creepy, no matter how uncreepy you are trying to be. Think you deserve a medal for not resorting to b)? Think again.

The problem with these kinds of approaches is that they try to create a sexually-charged situation in a totally inappropriate context. You have no idea why that person is out today; they may be visiting a sick relative, or appearing in court, but more likely they’re just going to work, or getting some shopping. In any case, these are not sexual scenarios. Having someone else’s sexual attraction imposed on them when they’re just trying to go about their day is intrusive and dehumanising.

Why dehumanising? Because they’re being treated as an attractive thing, rather than as a person who is in the middle of a life of their own, with tasks to perform, and other things and people to think about. You going and charging into the middle of that and effectively saying “STOP EVERYTHING! THERE ARE THINGS I WOULD LIKE TO USE YOU FOR!” is insisting that their ongoing human life is worth less than your fleeting desire.

You don’t have a right to a piece of someone just because they are out in public. Appearing in public is not consent. It isn't a flirtatious act. It isn't a bid for attention. Thinking any of these things considers the person you are looking at only in terms of how they might fit in to your story, completely disregarding the fact that they have one of their own. The world isn't a meat counter always open for you to grab a free lunch. Or even to walk in and drool over for a bit while talking about how much you’d like a free lunch before walking out again. Still not ok.

But how will anyone ever have sex then, or get into a relationship? Well, meet people in contexts where they want to be met. Try going to a singles night, or speed dating. Sexually-charged situations, much like actual sex, have to be mutually created by two (or I guess more) people, not imposed by one person on another. Meet someone you know is looking, then read the signs from there. And genuinely read them; don’t assume that any vague degree of politeness is a come-on. It isn't. You can’t make things true just by wanting them to be. There is no point at all if it isn't mutual, because if it isn't mutual, it isn't sexual.

But what if that person was “the one”, the best partner ever, and you passed them by? Well really, I'm not sure anyone over the age of about 17 should be believing in “the one”. But anyway, consider how effective these random approaches are really likely to be. You’ll get to know people through work, mutual friends, all the usual stuff. These are the ways most people meet partners. The key is that these things involve meeting someone, not just picking them out based on their appearance. How often have you found that someone you liked the look of was impossible to get on with? And how often have you found that someone who wasn't particularly attractive to begin with became really attractive once you got to know them? Given that these two things happen all the time, it basically tells you nothing at all about compatibility if someone just happens to catch your eye. It’s just as likely that you’d be perfect with the other person you just walked past without even noticing. Which is admittedly to say not very likely at all.

But isn't it just a compliment; something that will make them feel good? Well, for some people that probably is true. The problem is that if they don’t like it, it could really ruin their day, whereas if they would have liked it and you kept silent, their day has gone on entirely as usual so they've lost nothing. Be honest, you aren't really complimenting them out of the goodness of your heart anyway, but for what you hope you can get out of it. There’s also an issue that they maybe shouldn't be flattered by something which diminishes their value as a human being at the expense of just being considered more physically attractive, but that’s way more contentious so I’ll leave that point alone here.

Of course there’s no harm in noticing that someone is attractive. It’s not the sort of thing you can help. Just don’t let them know that you've noticed, just in case (and it is quite likely) that they’d really rather you didn't. No catcalling, no compliment, no attempted friendly chat, no obvious looking up and down. Just keep on walking.