There’s
nothing like Christmas for getting us thinking about our duties to our
families. You know the ones I mean, even if you are fortunate enough that none
of your own family falls in this category – the ones you force yourself to
spend time with and be civil to, while never ever enjoying it. But do we have
to do it?
A
lot of people, especially at this time of year, spend time with relatives who
make them feel miserable, angry, worthless, guilty, ashamed, frustrated…you can
continue this list yourself well enough if you’re one of them. You know how it
feels for you. There’s a sense that you have a duty to be there, and yet, if
you weren't, all parties concerned would be having a much better time. Add in
the dreading in advance and the recovering afterwards, and this takes a serious
chunk out of time you could otherwise be spending not feeling like crap. Time
is precious, so it’s worth evaluating why we think this torment is a worthwhile
way to spend it.
They
say that blood is thicker than water, that you should always stick by your
family, but is that right? Why do people think we should do this? The “blood is
thicker than water” line seems to just be about family for its own sake. You
owe them something just because you are related. But how on earth does that
work? I share more DNA with a fruit fly than with a honey bee (apparently), but
does that mean I should spend more time around fruit flies, or show them more
respect or affection? It just doesn't seem relevant.
Much
more plausible is the argument that you owe them something for what they have done
for you in the past. Of course, not all family members have done anything good
for you at all, so this argument won’t even get off the ground regarding them.
Of the ones that have, there are at least two questions: First, have you
already done as much for them as they have for you? Second, have they done you
enough harm to outweigh the good they have done you? This stuff isn't
measurable, so unfortunately there’s really no way of answering these questions,
but if being around these family members makes you miserable, the chances are
there’s a reason for that, and that reason may well be harm that they've done
you. It needn't be big stuff you can point to, but constant sniping,
undermining, guilt-tripping, or whatever is
real psychological harm. Ok, it probably won’t kill you, but it’s certainly
not nice.
Another
powerful reason that people probably do this is self-flagellation and martyrdom.
Other people believe that sticking by your family no matter what is some kind
of great virtue, so if you’re seen to be doing that, check out what a good
person you are! And the fact you don’t enjoy it only enhances the effect. The more
time you spend feeling hounded and miserable and yet fighting on out of a sense
of duty, the more admirable you seem to become.
But
why do these other people think you’re so admirable? Presumably for one of the same
reasons you might have – either because family is important just because it’s
family, or because you owe them for past good stuff they've done for you. But
we've just seen that neither of those is a great argument. So these people are
admiring you for all the wrong reasons. If you want their admiration, go out
and help an old lady across the road or something.
And
in fact that brings me to my final point: what do you do with the spare time
and emotional energy if you choose to say “no” to the horrific family reunion?
Well you could devote it to friends. Friendships are important, and they need
nurturing to survive. You and your friends chose each other for a reason
(remember you can’t choose your family, as the saying goes) so don’t lose sight
of that. The same goes for partners (the best of friends).
Alternatively
you could spend the time and energy on strangers. Since there are only so many
old ladies in the world who need helping across roads, volunteer for a charity.
Or donate some money, or food, or blankets. Your family might be anything from
pains in the arse to nasty pieces of work, but some people’s families are
genuinely abusive, and those people often end up on the street. A helping hand
for them is probably a better use of your time than listening to great aunty
Sue telling you why you’ll never amount to anything for the umpteenth time.
Or
finally, you might spend that time and energy on yourself. Looking after
yourself is no sin; it’s your life to live the best you can, and you can’t do
that very well if you’re stressed and tired all the time. Sometimes the best
way of taking care of yourself is taking yourself away from family. You might
genuinely be better off without each other, and no mystical sense that blood
with similar DNA floating around in it is magically sacred should get in the
way of that.
