In
the last few months I have heard many things described as “just not sexy”, or
“not sexy enough”, or words to that effect. These things include clothing, body
shape, body hair, how someone smiles, particular styles of dance, how a
particular person dances, and, perhaps most bizarrely of all, university
subject choices. In none of these cases is sexiness the only relevant measure,
and in some cases it isn't relevant at all. I'm bored of sexiness.
Not
bored of sex, I should point out. Just bored of everything being measured in
terms of how sexy it is, as though that’s all anything exists for. Often,
“sexy” or “hot” are just used as general terms of praise. I think that’s what
was happening with the university subject choices example. The fact that these
things are now our favourite way of saying we like something is an annoying
symptom, but it isn't the main problem. The main problem comes when we actually
want to rate something’s (or someone’s) attractiveness.
I'm
not talking about attractiveness as a dating prospect, or anything like that,
just the kind of aesthetic judgements you’d make of a painting, or a view from
a window. Our only way of liking the look of something now seems to be wanting
to shag it. In many cases that raises practical difficulties, but it’s also
pretty damn disturbing.
We
all know that things can be pretty, or beautiful, or cute, or whatever else,
without being sexy, or we wouldn't apply these adjectives to children and
animals. So why, as soon as it’s something that it’s not actually illegal and
messed up to fancy, do we revert straight back to using “sexy” and “hot” as our
only ways of saying that something looks nice? And even when sexiness isn't the
only thing, why is it still the main thing? I've heard “beautiful, but not
sexy” used as a criticism (of a dancer in this case). Why is everything else
subordinate to sexiness?
The
problem with this, and probably part of the cause of it, is the immense
pressure to be sexy all the time. There are loads of other things people might
want to convey through their clothes, their movements, their choices, their
expressions. Loads of things other than sexiness. If we lose all of that, the
world becomes very boring. And sexiness becomes very boring too, because it’s
everywhere all of the time, and constantly striving for it yourself and
assessing it in others makes it a chore. And that’s a huge loss because of
course, in the right circumstances, sexiness is really important for most
people.
Currently,
women are suffering the most from this constant pressure to be sexy. Consider
professional dress, for example. The smartest suit you can imagine for a woman
is probably at least a bit sexy. It probably goes with make-up, and maybe even
heels. Something plainer will be taken less seriously in most professions.
Consider fitness, for another example. You don’t get fit for the sake of your
health, but for how sexy you’ll look in your sexy new outfit at some sexy
event. This all entrenches objectification of women even further into a culture
where it’s already pretty deeply embedded. The message is that women exist only
to provide sexiness. Fail at that, and you are neither use nor ornament.
But
men are catching up. The fitness example I just gave for women certainly
applies to a large extent to men too, and the professional attire example might
as well in a lot of jobs. This is not good equality. Men used to have a chance
to be judged on attributes other than their sexiness, but no more! Why get an
education (unless it makes women fancy you)? Why get a good job (unless the
salary will attract hot women)? It’s fine to prioritise finding a relationship
in your life, but good relationships aren't exclusively made and maintained by
sexiness, as anyone over the age of about twenty is surely aware.
The
solution of course is not to stop talking about sex, or attraction. Just don’t
be afraid to expand your vocabulary a bit. Compliments will often ring truer,
and judgements be more honest, if they respect what a person, or style, or performance,
is setting out to convey. That might be sexiness, but even if it is, it
probably isn't just sexiness in most
cases. Life is richer than that, and it’s time our talk reflected that fact, or
that richness will be lost.
