Hideous kinky?

Talking about sex, in particular the eye-openingly wide variety of different things people enjoy, has never been so widely accepted. These days we are freer to express ourselves and indulge what we really want, largely free of prejudice and sanctimonious tutting. From Ann Summers parties, to the culturally ubiquitous Fifty Shades of Grey, we have never had so much freedom. Or so they tell us. But the real picture seems much more complicated than that. My particular concern is that society is now creating a pressure towards particular kinks that is just as pernicious as their earlier condemnation, if not more so. An unwillingness to discuss the topic seems at least partly to blame. I’ll get to that via a couple of other interesting things that seem to be happening at the moment.

The first interesting thing is the conversation in the media and elsewhere about pornography. In particular, there is a concern that young people feel under pressure to behave in the way that porn stars do, because this is their only (or at any rate most graphic) representation of what sex should be like. This is of particular concern in relation to pornography involving violence and humiliation. Feminists have stressed that a generation of young boys is reaching maturity with the belief that women like to be hurt and humiliated, and the conditioned response to be aroused by that happening because that’s the kind of porn they have been using, and it’s habit-forming. [See e.g. http://www.telegraph.co.uk/men/thinking-man/10441027/How-porn-is-rewiring-our-brains.html]

Another interesting thing is a parallel conversation about consent. This is a topic worthy of a whole other blog post (which I may write at some point) but from rape re-enactment porn [see e.g. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/education-22643862] to Robin Thicke singing “I know you want it”, there’s definitely some confusion around the idea.

The final thing to mention before I get to the main point is sex toys. By that I mean not just dildos and vibrators, but the full range of paraphernalia on sale, including various BDSM equipment. Apparently we are buying more of all this than we used to, suggesting perhaps that sex has got a whole lot more…creative…for want of a better word. It seems very likely that this is linked to the more widespread use of harder and more diverse kinds of porn, although I doubt it is as simple as the one causing the other.

So is any of this a problem? The standard liberal line, and one I have always supported, is that consenting adults can do whatever they like as long as it isn't hurting anyone else. However, I now think this is naïve. It is just another way of closing a door on a topic that some people just don’t want to think about. We have moved from “it’s all disgusting, let’s not talk about it” to “it’s all just a bit of fun, let’s not talk about it”. But we desperately need an honest open dialogue. For one thing, some practices can be dangerous (for example erotic asphyxiation, blood play etc.). For another thing, consent can be difficult to establish. Moral dilemmas abound here, as many people within niche groups like the BDSM community have known for a long time. If more extreme practices are becoming more mainstream, these things can’t be brushed under the carpet by the media and the general public.

But my main concern here is changing expectations, potentially resulting in people feeling coerced (not directly, but via social pressure) into trying things that really don’t interest them. Is this really happening? I think it is.

Our cultural stereotype of the ideal partner is usually described by phrases like “an absolute freak in the bedroom”, “likes it dirty”, “a real bad girl/boy” etc. Our image of what is sexy has become largely dominated (no pun intended) by kink. What does this do? Well it creates a standard to live up to, as these images always do.

What if someone (male or female) happens to really enjoy “vanilla” sex. Maybe they even favour the missionary position sometimes; then what? It seems that now we view that person as a prude, as sexually repressed, as stuck in the past, as inadequate, unerotic, in short really really boring. How will they ever attract a partner, let alone keep their interest? Do they even know how to use half the stuff on sale in the average sex shop? If not, do we view them as inadequate and worthy of ridicule? It very much feels like things are moving in that direction.

Worse, what about the kids growing up with this as their main image of what sex should be like? It would be nice to think that they could decide for themselves what they really like or want to try, and leave the rest, but I think the reality is that what you really want (certainly when you are younger, and for many people right through their lives) is to be normal. So people try to do what they think their partner will expect of them, and keep doing it until they like it, or at least get used to it.

What I would really like to know is, if we could somehow remove the influence of the media and peer pressure, what would people really want? It is likely that some would still really want to be tied up, whipped, etc etc, and, if they can find others who want to do that for/with them, that’s totally fine. But also many people would want something far simpler, and far more vanilla. And we seem to be in danger of forgetting that there’s nothing wrong with that either.

The ideal future would be one that is more genuinely accepting of different tastes, rather than one where sexual desires are dictated by fashion. Particularly given fashion’s tendency to become progressively more extreme by a process of one-upmanship. So we need a real honest conversation about sex. Not just one where people are free to admit what they would like to try, but also one where they are free to admit that they wouldn't.