Go on, give us a smile!

Ever been told to cheer up or to smile by a random stranger? If you have, chances are you know how horrible this is. If you haven’t, you may not know that it even happens. It does. It happens a lot. And it’s horrible.

There are other variants too. I and people I know have also been told not to look so worried, miserable or scared. These things have been said by acquaintances, people we have just been introduced to, and by strangers passing by in the street. I have even had a man serving me at a supermarket checkout attempt to not hand me my shopping until I “gave him a smile”. As a grown woman. I wanted to make a formal complaint, but didn't in case the complaint was dealt with by the sort of person who says this kind of thing, and would therefore meet with the response that I was being a miserable cow and should lighten up. (Although probably not phrased like that unless their customer complaints department is really bad).

It seems pretty obvious to me that telling a random stranger to rearrange their face to suit you is really rude. I would not stop a guy on the street and tell him to get plastic surgery because he’s no oil painting, and this is the same thing; it’s telling someone that their face isn't currently good enough, and it should look more like you want it to look. This is obviously going to make the person feel pretty inadequate. Being told you are insulting people by having a face that looks that bad can really ruin your day. And you think it must be really bad for a total stranger to have gone out of their way to point it out. I'm so sorry. Should I wear a paper bag so you don’t have to look at this?

It’s particularly deflating when you are actually in a really good mood. Not everyone who is in a good mood wears a big smile all the time. Especially not while walking down a street or sitting in a park or a café or whatever on their own. In fact, grinning in these situations is liable to really freak people out. Ever done it by accident because you remember something really funny? You get stares. It’s not normal (although of course there’s nothing wrong with doing it – just weird to make it compulsory). If you can summon a particularly freaky-looking grin, that can be a good response to these requests for cheer. It’s hard to do on the spot though, and you can never be sure what reaction you will get.

Being told to cheer up when you’re already feeling good is like being told your happy isn't good enough. It’s worthless happy. Your joy is inadequate. Your good day is insufficient. For a stranger, of whose business it is none.

And don’t even get me started on how it feels to hear this when you really are upset or depressed. I strongly suspect that there are people who have been pushed to extreme acts by just this kind of thoughtless on-street bullying disguised as cheeriness. In fact, next time this happens to you, try telling the person that a friend or relative just died. (If you aren't comfortable with that, a dog or cat would do). This should make them feel really bad. It should. It might stop them putting anyone else through this. If it doesn't make them feel really bad, they’re a psychopath.

If it’s so obviously bad, why do people do it? I've heard “women look so much more attractive when they smile” before. Presumably the thought there is that women’s primary purpose is to look attractive for men, and we will be grateful to be informed that we aren't up to scratch so we can put it right at once. Nice.

But men get this kind of crap too. Not as often perhaps, but definitely sometimes, so that can’t be the whole story. The main other defence of it I've heard is that people are happier when they smile. That’s right; it’s for your own good! Someone is being rude to you in order to brighten your day! Of course! Makes sense now….No; actually, still confused.

I really don’t understand why people go around saying this to others. Believing that you have the right to control the facial expressions of others is egotism to the point of madness. If you really want someone to smile, don’t instruct them to do it. Be nice to them. Make the world better. But remember that sometimes the best way to make someone happy, particularly a random stranger on the street, is just to leave them alone to get on with their lives!