What’s the difference between a creep, and a
friendly guy with poor social skills?
This
is a question that women face on a regular basis. For every misguided approach,
you have to decide whether the appropriate response is kindness and pity, or to
protect yourself at all costs. And then afterwards, you either have to wonder
about whether you did the right thing, or deal with the fall-out when it’s
obvious that you didn't.
One
side of this argument says that most men are decent but many of them are inept.
Some of them have more serious problems: autism, learning difficulties, or
other issues that might make the usual social rules very difficult for them to
understand or act on. The best approach is to be friendly, assume the best of
people, and not be too paranoid that people’s intentions are bad.
The
other side of the argument says that you should never take the risk. Most men
will interpret any friendliness (hell, even basic politeness) as an indication
that you want to sleep with them, and they will act accordingly. Acting
accordingly could be anything from groping, to stalking, to full-on assault.
Forget being polite. Forget worrying about his feelings. Just get him away from
you.
Most
people would probably say that a position somewhere between these two is the
appropriate one. I wouldn't. I think that the latter position is the only one
we can take. It’s horrible, and society needs to change so that it is no longer
the appropriate response, but as things stand, it is a reasonable way to think.
Firstly,
isn't this really paranoid? Well yes maybe. The vast majority of these types of
encounters will mercifully lead to nothing more than an awkward conversation.
That in itself shouldn't be underestimated. It might well leave you feeling
horrible for a few days, and questioning what you did wrong in the longer term.
But admittedly it’s not that bad. But
it is also undeniable that occasionally something much worse happens. And if
something worse does happen to you or one of your friends, then what? Then you
are to blame. You are to blame for encouraging the helpless man, and you are to
blame for not listening to your instincts in the first place and getting away. Or so says our
victim-blaming society. And therefore so says everyone you know, and so says
the voice in your head. So really, if you are wondering whether someone is a
creep, I think it’s better to get yourself and your friends out of the situation
by whatever means you can. Don’t wait to see which of you he follows home, and exactly
what he does when he gets there, so that you can make an informed decision
about how he really deserves to be dealt with. Just don’t take the risk.
What
about the men? If a man really is unable to follow social rules in this
respect, for whatever reason, he is going to face some pretty cruel treatment
from women on a regular basis, and that will have a serious impact on his life.
If he doesn't mean it, isn't it really unfair? I think this is a disservice to
men. It’s a disservice to men who genuinely do have problems understanding
social rules, but nonetheless work really hard to act in accordance with them.
It’s also a disservice to the image of men within society, as puppets
controlled entirely by their sexual urges and unable to engage in any social
interactions not mediated by that. Nonetheless, with the best will in the
world, nice guys trying hard will come across as creeps sometimes, and I am
recommending hurting them. I don’t do so lightly, but I don’t think there’s
much choice as things stand. You are risking worse than hurt feelings if you
don’t.
Is
there a way of making things better so that all this mess doesn't have to
happen at all? Unsurprisingly, the solution is straightforward, but the
execution of it is incredibly complex. We need widespread social change such
that our public spaces are not seen by both genders as meat markets in which
men hunt women. Change such that the social rules are not so complicated and
contradictory, with one side telling you that you should respect women and
treat them as people, and the other saying it’s expected of you to prey on them
and see them as fair game who it’s a bit of a laugh to abuse. You should be a
feminist. You should be a player. No wonder a lot of guys struggle to sort out
how they should behave.
There
will always be social interactions that don’t run smoothly. Many of these will
result in bruised feelings. Some may result in unintended intimidation. But
currently these things are institutionalised as standard incidents, like the
ones you learned about in foreign language classes at school. The creepy
chat-up is like asking the way to the train station, or booking a hotel room.
It’s something you expect to deal with as standard. That’s what needs to
change. Until then, protect yourselves, protect your friends, and don’t be
ashamed of that. It’s not cowardice, it’s not cruelty, it’s not paranoia. It’s
just the only sensible reaction to a bad situation in a world where change is
long overdue.
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